Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am naked and annoyed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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