Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
