Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
