Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
