Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
