Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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