I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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