I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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