I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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