BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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