the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
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Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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