it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
