Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
