6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
