I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
