You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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