Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
