i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
