Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
