I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
