I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
