Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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