Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
