birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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