Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
