we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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