No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm passing your future prison.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize