When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
