The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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