You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
