Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
