I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
