He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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