i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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