Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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