New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
