You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
