i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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