And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
