She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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