After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
