i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
