found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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