i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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