She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
