so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
