Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
