My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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