I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
