11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
