Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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