I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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