WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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