Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
